Home for the holidays: what to notice when you visit Mom or Dad

Look around the house

Notice quietly. A visit that feels like an inspection puts people on guard.

• The kitchen. Open the fridge for the milk and see what else is there. Expired food, very little food, or several of the same item can mean shopping and cooking have become hard.
• Medications. Is the pill box filled for today, or still full from last week? Are there bottles from several pharmacies or doctors?
• Mail and bills. Look for unopened piles, late notices or new subscriptions and charities they never used to give to.
• The bathroom and stairs. Loose rugs, no grab bars, a tub that is hard to step into, dim hallways. Most falls happen in these spots.
• The car. Offer to ride along to the store. New dents, missed turns or nervous driving tell you more than asking.

Watch how they are doing

• Getting up and moving. Do they push hard off the arms of a chair, hold the walls, or skip the stairs?
• Weight and clothing. Clothes that hang looser, or the same outfit for several days.
• Conversation. Repeating the same story within the hour is worth noting. So is struggling to follow a group talking at the table, which can be hearing as much as memory.
• Their mood. Less interest in friends, church or hobbies they used to love.
• What they say when you ask how things are going. “Fine” with a change of subject can mean they are hiding a fall or a scare.

For the full list of warning signs, read signs it may be time for more care.

Compare notes while everyone is in town

The days when brothers, sisters and grandchildren are all in one place are rare. Use them. After the meal, away from your parent, share what each of you noticed. One person may have seen the full pill box while another heard about a fall last month.

• Keep one shared note with what you saw and the date.
• Agree on one next step and who owns it, like calling the doctor or visiting two homes.
• Decide who stays in touch. One point person keeps things from falling through the cracks once everyone flies home.

Save the big talk for later

The holiday table is not the place to bring up moving. It puts your parent on the spot in front of everyone. If the moment feels right, ask one open question on a walk or over coffee, like “What would make the winter easier for you?” Then listen. Our guide to the hard conversation can help when you are ready for more.

The week after

1. Write down what you saw while it is fresh, with dates. Doctors and care homes will ask.
2. Call their doctor and ask for a check of medications, memory, hearing and balance.
3. Learn the options. Take the care quiz or read how Adult Family Homes, assisted living and nursing homes compare.
4. Look at homes near them. Browse licensed homes by county, save the ones you like and share the list with family.
5. Get a sense of cost. The cost of care estimator shows typical Washington prices, and Medicaid and WA Cares may help pay.
6. Plan visits for December while you or a sibling can still travel. Bring our tour questions.

If you live far away

Ask a neighbor, friend or someone from their church to check in and call you if something seems off. Keep a list of their doctor, pharmacy and a nearby contact on your phone. You can search homes, compare them and ask questions from anywhere, and a Wayvo guide can help by phone.